Struck Me Funny!

Usually, whenever something humorous travels around the email "circuit," I get 42 gazillion jillion copies of it from everybody I've ever met (plus a bunch I haven't). This is a historic moment, though: I saw one on the Canadian Show Dogs email list that I hadn't seen before. It's too funny and too truthful not to share.

Unfortunately, any attributions of authorship didn't appear with the original posting... so if you're the author, thanks for a terrific chuckle. I didn't write this, but wish I had.

Enjoy!

Dog Show Terms Explained!

Angulation-
Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges.

Balance-
(a) How to arrange the chequebook so your husband won't know how much
money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom
with the door locked;
(b) Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.

Bitch-
(a) Name for a lady dog;
(b) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

Blind Retrieve-
When you can't see the toy under the furniture.

CGC-
Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe {aka GAS}

Coat-
The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

Crabbing-
What you do when the judge doesn't like way your dog moves.

Dam-
(a) lady dog with children;
(b) expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

Distemper-
Shown by those hot-headed competitors.

Dog-
To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.

Double Bind-
Finding two toys under the furniture.

Elbow-
Method of getting to ringside when late.

Expression-
"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

Fancier-
Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

Feathering-
What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FlyBall-
Neutering.

Force Fetch-
Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet until you're forced to "fetch" it.

Front-
Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

Guard Hair-
An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.

Heel-
(a) what you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice;
(b) expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

Height-
As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.

Hock-
A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewellery such as wedding rings.

Kennel-
Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.

Litter-
Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

Mask-
What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

Muzzle-
What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

Noseprints-
Cute marks left all over your French doors.

Outcrossing-
What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

Overshot-
Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.

Pedigree-
Dog food with lots of great coupons.

Points-
Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

Puppies-
Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

Qualifying Score-
Justifying the 170.5 you got in obedience today.

Ribbons-
What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their pet wins.

Specialty-
Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing on walls.

Type-
What your dog has... if you turn down the lights and squint a little.

Utility-
The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.

The Illusion of Warmth

We're going through a bit of a January thaw this week. Coupled with the fact that the days are a few minutes longer now than they were at the winter solstice, the almost-relatively-warm weather causes some of us to start daydreaming about spring and flowers in bloom and chirping birds and the Red Sox back at Fenway and... you guessed it... dog shows.

Not that I'm not enjoying the heck out of taking a break. Not showing is an order of magnitude less expensive than showing, which means I have more disposable income for stuff like agility classes and heating oil. I'm happy to be able to go to agility and rally classes on the weekends and be back home before lunchtime. It's just that this little spell of warm weather has me thinking of the year ahead, and what we hope to achieve, and some of the fun we're going to have.

Turns out I'm not the only one. I've been sending snow photos of Dinah to Kathy, whom I think misses the weekend show grind a little bit, too. There's a bit of a wistful tinge to Kathy's notes when she says, "Dinah's such a lovely bitch. I can't wait to show her again." I know Dinah will be overjoyed to see her Auntie Kathy again, probably so much so that we'll have to work to get her to keep all four on the floor for the first show of the year.

All the same, you know you've got it bad when you're sitting in Maine in mid-January, looking out at the snow and daydreaming about the National Specialty in California in October. I can't even believe I did this -- especially after the crappy results we had this past year -- but I even sent an email to Kathy asking if she thought she might like to fly out to Santa Rosa and show the Princess then. I can't believe she sent back an enthusiastic Yes! Likewise, we've already chatted about showing at the Canadian Specialty this coming August (subtitled: Dinah's triumphant return to Gananoque). Oh yes... we've got it bad.

Belated Shout-Outs, Belated Everything

Whew! Where did the rest of 2007 go, and why didn't I get anything done?!

Everybody's probably sung this particular song at one time or another, but the end of this past year was probably the quickest one on record. When I was on the early side of my week's vacation at the end of December, the possibilities stretched off into infinity. I could redo every room in the house, finish every knitting project for miles around, catch up on a decade's worth of reading, and save the world -- and all this before dinnertime on Monday.

Ah, the difference between theory and practice. I had great intentions of getting caught up with all of the writing work I planned to do on this blog, and got absolutely none of it done. Nada. Bupkus. Rien du tout.

Before I reach back into the past to finish off our tales of the dog show year, though, I really do need to shout out to a couple of people who have been kind enough to correspond, acknowledge, and/or say really sweet things to me. At the very least, I owe them each a wave and a message of thanks...

First of all, a very late, but no less heartfelt, holler to Barbara Rimoshytus and Rio the Papillon (Brookfield's Slam Dunk). Barb has been a reader of this blog for a while, and we've exchanged some fun emails about rally-o, showing, and suchlike. Barb is getting back into the show ring again after some years away, and Rio is off to a terrific start. He took BOB at his very first show, with a Puppy Group 4 and WD on the second day of the show. We finally met at the Thanksgiving cluster in Springfield, and Rio gave me some very sweet Papillon kisses. I am delighted to report that Rio got his first 4-point major in Springfield that weekend. His breeder has a WABR page up for him at Infodog.com; I don't know if you have to be a subscriber to see it. Congratulations, Barb and Rio!

One person I do wish I'd had a chance to meet -- and will make a point of it if we're both going to Bay Colony next year -- is Monica the Dog Lady, of Ask Dog Lady fame. Monica was the emcee for the Rescue Parade at the Saturday show, and I'm sure she's just as hilariously articulate in person as she is on her Web site, or in her emails. She said the nicest things about me and about this little old blog, and I must admit I'm both pleased and blushing. Julie Dennehy introduced us to each other online after the shows and claimed we share a sense of humor -- and she was right.

If you haven't seen Ask Dog Lady, just ask yourself: What would you get if Dear Abby and Miss Manners got together and had a puppy? Yes, she's that witty, and the site is that much fun to read. Go and enjoy!