Struck Me Funny!

Usually, whenever something humorous travels around the email "circuit," I get 42 gazillion jillion copies of it from everybody I've ever met (plus a bunch I haven't). This is a historic moment, though: I saw one on the Canadian Show Dogs email list that I hadn't seen before. It's too funny and too truthful not to share.

Unfortunately, any attributions of authorship didn't appear with the original posting... so if you're the author, thanks for a terrific chuckle. I didn't write this, but wish I had.

Enjoy!

Dog Show Terms Explained!

Angulation-
Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges.

Balance-
(a) How to arrange the chequebook so your husband won't know how much
money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom
with the door locked;
(b) Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.

Bitch-
(a) Name for a lady dog;
(b) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

Blind Retrieve-
When you can't see the toy under the furniture.

CGC-
Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe {aka GAS}

Coat-
The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

Crabbing-
What you do when the judge doesn't like way your dog moves.

Dam-
(a) lady dog with children;
(b) expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

Distemper-
Shown by those hot-headed competitors.

Dog-
To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.

Double Bind-
Finding two toys under the furniture.

Elbow-
Method of getting to ringside when late.

Expression-
"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

Fancier-
Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

Feathering-
What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FlyBall-
Neutering.

Force Fetch-
Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet until you're forced to "fetch" it.

Front-
Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

Guard Hair-
An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.

Heel-
(a) what you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice;
(b) expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

Height-
As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.

Hock-
A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewellery such as wedding rings.

Kennel-
Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.

Litter-
Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

Mask-
What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

Muzzle-
What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

Noseprints-
Cute marks left all over your French doors.

Outcrossing-
What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

Overshot-
Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.

Pedigree-
Dog food with lots of great coupons.

Points-
Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

Puppies-
Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

Qualifying Score-
Justifying the 170.5 you got in obedience today.

Ribbons-
What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their pet wins.

Specialty-
Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing on walls.

Type-
What your dog has... if you turn down the lights and squint a little.

Utility-
The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.