Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Struck Me Funny!

Usually, whenever something humorous travels around the email "circuit," I get 42 gazillion jillion copies of it from everybody I've ever met (plus a bunch I haven't). This is a historic moment, though: I saw one on the Canadian Show Dogs email list that I hadn't seen before. It's too funny and too truthful not to share.

Unfortunately, any attributions of authorship didn't appear with the original posting... so if you're the author, thanks for a terrific chuckle. I didn't write this, but wish I had.


Dog Show Terms Explained!

Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress judges.

(a) How to arrange the chequebook so your husband won't know how much
money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom
with the door locked;
(b) Ability to hold coffee, danish, leash, treats and entry form all at once.

(a) Name for a lady dog;
(b) Name often heard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

Blind Retrieve-
When you can't see the toy under the furniture.

Canine Gastrointestinal Catastrophe {aka GAS}

The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

What you do when the judge doesn't like way your dog moves.

(a) lady dog with children;
(b) expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

Shown by those hot-headed competitors.

To chase a judge from show to show in an effort to attain more breed wins.

Double Bind-
Finding two toys under the furniture.

Method of getting to ringside when late.

"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.


Force Fetch-
Dog drops the toy under furniture, scratches at the carpet until you're forced to "fetch" it.

Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

Guard Hair-
An activity in which one watches intently as the dog's hair falls out, in clumps, just after entries are mailed.

(a) what you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice;
(b) expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 of an inch.

A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewellery such as wedding rings.

Where you go when the kids fight and your husband yells at you.

Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

Cute marks left all over your French doors.

What your husband tells the minister you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

Running so fast as to pass the 1st place ring marker and plow into the judge and the stewards.

Dog food with lots of great coupons.

Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies. (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with leaky systems, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

Qualifying Score-
Justifying the 170.5 you got in obedience today.

What you want to cut the other exhibitors into, after their pet wins.

Whatever your dog is good at, like bringing home dead cats or chewing on walls.

What your dog has... if you turn down the lights and squint a little.

The kind of vehicle you need to haul around your dogs.

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